


Afire Love

by malome78



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Illnesses, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 02:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5146925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malome78/pseuds/malome78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fic is inspired by the song Afire Love by Ed Sheeran. Steve experiences guilt and grief after the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. No real romance. Mentions of past relationship. 1000 words ofANGST.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afire Love

Afire Love

A story based on the song Afire Love by Ed Sheeran

 

       After the helicarrier fell Steve was not right. He spent a lot of time alone with his thoughts. It wasn’t that he wasn’t busy. In fact if anything Steve took on more missions, and if they were of dangerous nature so be it. Steve went out of his way to have no down time. Well, unless it involved being alone with Natasha or Sam, then he for some reason wasn’t available. Excuses always sounded sincere and were delivered with an appropriate hangdog face.  Neither Sam nor Natasha pointed out if his eyes were glassy and swollen, or if it seemed he had a runny nose. They knew better than to ask him if he was okay. Natasha had her head bitten off by an irritable Steve enough times that she knew it wasn’t going to help; Sam knew better than to dig.

       Steve did a good job keeping it together. He put a lot of effort into making sure no one really knew how much he was hurting.  It’s not like he was crying in public So what if his voice would thicken when he addressed his team on missions when talking about everyone making it home safe. Not many people noticed his hands started shaking more often. Who cared if no one really ever saw him eat anymore, or that when he did it was more of a chore and not with much gusto. He was nauseous a lot of the time anyways.  When he was alone he sat on his couch staring into space.

        He was too tired to pick up his sketchbook and draw. He didn’t really have any desire to capture much of anything on paper recently. TV wasn’t an option, he didn’t have the concentration to keep up with the stories, and no desire to watch other people’s love stories. Being surrounded by happy people was too much, even the fictional ones. Being surrounded by people in general was just too much. His friends were worse, Steve appreciated all the support, but it was stifling. He knew they meant well and that they cared, but nothing was going to fix this situation. He hated people taking care of him, and he hated feeling like he was still the sick, skinny kid from Brooklyn.  

        It’s not like Bucky was dead. He felt guilty for even thinking it was easier for Steve when he was. It just was so hard for Steve to not feel guilty. Guilty he didn’t catch Bucky when he fell from the train. If he had caught him than Bucky would have never fallen prey to the Red Room and Hydra.  If he had only made more of an attempt to find his body, or make it clear before he flew the plane into the ice that he wanted Peggy and Howard to keep looking. Why had he asked Bucky to keep fighting after he rescued him off the table. He was cleared to go home. More than anything Steve wished he could have told Bucky how much he meant to him.

       Steve was so angry. Bucky didn’t deserve to be a mindless assassin. He was angry that no one truly understood why he had to rescue Bucky. Sam never saw Bucky’s easy smile and joking manner. Natasha had never felt his gentle caress on her back when she was sick- had never had Bucky wipe sweat from her brow when she was too weak and delirious to do it herself. Neither of them knew what it was like to have Bucky lavish attention on them, or be included on double dates and guys nights when Bucky could do so much more without him. No, they never had Bucky watching their six. They would never know what it meant to hear Bucky say “To the end of the line”. When Steve had nothing else he had Bucky, and now that Bucky needed him he wasn't going to give up.

      More than anger Steve felt guilt. guilty that he didn’t rescue Bucky. How long had Bucky sat there being tortured waiting for Steve to burst in with the commandos? How long had Bucky dealt with the betrayal of Steve leaving him behind before they wiped it away- along with everything else that made Bucky a person and not a machine. Steve felt guilty to be home, healthy and have a roof and food and clothing; Bucky was probably starving and cold. Steve felt guilty to have companionship when Bucky was alone. Steve felt guilty for living all this time. He felt guilty that people cared about him enough to be worried,  He felt guilty every time he smiled or enjoyed something, or laughed at an joke. What right did Steve have to be happy when Bucky was out there? Steve felt guilty for not enjoying life enough, because Bucky worked very hard to keep Steve safe and happy. How could Steve not enjoy his life, his second chances, and his gifts when they have been denied to so many?

      Really Steve felt conflicted.

      He knew that he would fight to find Bucky because Bucky would do it for him. How many back alley brawls had Bucky rescued Steve from? How many times had Bucky helped Steve see the worth in himself when the other though he was a lost cause? Bucky never gave up on Steve and Steve would never give up on Bucky.  He wouldn’t rest until he saw the light return to Bucky’s eyes. If he couldn’t get Bucky to remember him, and see Bucky look at him like he was the sole source of light in the world like he used to do, than he would  teach Bucky that he was his universe. Bucky may not never remember him, but Steve could help make him whole in other ways. He could lavish him with the care and attention he should have back when he was just a skinny kid from Brooklyn.

     Steve picked up his phone with a sigh. “Sam, sorry I’ve been avoiding you. I’m ready to do something. How do you feel about helping me on my private mission?”


End file.
